Too often we want to feel our way into acting...but with love...romance... sex...it isn't very efficient. Feelings are too transitory and dependent on what's happening now in our internal world.
Sad case...a male friend confided in me that his wife was getting more and more distant and distracted. He feared he was losing her, and he loved her too much for that to happen.
They didn't have all that much time for each other, even though they were both retired from their busy careers. He was wrapped up in a charity drive and taking care of a neighbor's house while they were away. She'd become more and more busy, involved with her own new activities and seemed to be finding new friends.
He loved her so much he said, and was real fearful of losing her. He just didn't know what to do.
My answer was simple: love her. "But I do, he replied. When was he last time you showed her you loved her? I just had to ask. His blank face told it all.
Saying "I love you" to your spouse is easy, acting loving is much harder.
Love is an action verb. It means acting on your love for your mate.
Stop waiting and start acting your way into feeling rather than feeling your way into acting.
Both verbally and non verbally tell your mate how much you care. Show your spouse how much you love them.
What? You say you don't feel comfortable saying I love you?
Remember Fiddler on the Roof? He married her he said. Of course he loved her, why should he say it?
Well, that attitude might have worked in 19th century rural Russia, but most women, and men, today prefer and respond to current words and actions, rather than having to guess what you're still feeling for them. Especially when it comes to senior sex.
Low desire, fueled by not paying attention to each other, waiting for some magic feelings to move you, is one of the most prevalent problems with couples today. Especially those who have been in long term relationships.
Does getting back on track mean constant "I love you's?"
Not at all. But, surely periodically, and with feeling, using the two basics of expressing the love you feel: affection and appreciation.
Use a variety of words and actions: a little squeeze, a pat on the behind while he's leaning over building the fire in the fireplace, a little touch on the face or hair while she's watching tv, bringing home a little something. Not necessarily jewelry or candy, but maybe a single flower, a special candy bar. Fixing her a cup of tea when she's been busy, or getting his favorite cold drink when he comes in from moving the lawn.
Letting him know how much you appreciate what he has done, even the everyday activities that keep your life running smoothly. How much you appreciate her going the extra mile to find the right solution to a vexing household challenge, or either of you putting in special effort to make things go smoothly with each other's friends and family.
Holding hands when you are walking. You remember all those things you used to do when you were courting, when you were younger? Actions that are affirmations of your feelings for one another.
You might have noticed none of the actions on the list are overtly sexual, but all were opportunities to act on the love you feel for one another.
Just be careful. All talk and no action will not get you what you're aiming for: rekindling the romance and strengthen your love'n.
Sometimes we all need reminding that thinking about and worrying about the lack of love'n in your relationship isn't enough. We need to take action. Sex Therapist Dr Pat Wiklund has helped countless couples increase the satisfaction they experience with their intimate life by purposely acting more loving towards one another. Now, retired, she is focusing on increasing the satisfaction of senior sex
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